Sunday, June 23, 2013

"I will not be late to church. This week I am going to be on time.  No, that's not true.  I'm going to be there a few minutes early."

Wrong.  I was late, darn it.  

I wasn't going to mention this next bit so early in my blogging experience, but I guess now is as good a time as any.

I suffer.  I guess I developed some anxieties.  I think this started earlier than February 2012, but that's when I noticed my life changing and I began to feel afraid.  One of the things I'm afraid of is being at church.  Last fall and winter it seemed like every speaker at church mentioned losing a loved one to a car accident or illness.  One prominent presence in my church meetings is a woman who had cancer, and she also lost her 30-something son in close succession.  (Her son left behind a wife and small children).  I felt that every comment about death or illness was for me.  I panicked during talks at the pulpit, and I panicked during meetings.  I panicked when I saw this woman or others who mentioned death.  I was not too bothered if I was late to church last year, because I didn't want to be there anyway.  I didn't want to hear more about death.  This is something I need to overcome for many reasons besides the obvious.  But in our religion we believe that things do not end with death.  They only change. explains this better than I do when I don't really want to talk about it further.

I'm so thankful that already this year my panic and anxiety has lessened.  (I may describe why or how it has been helped in another blog, and if I do, I'll edit this post and link to it.)  Still, when Saturday rolls around I feel dread because it means tomorrow is Sunday, or The Sabbath.  That means I will be going to church.  That means I will see those people whose life experiences 'scare me.'  I will be in those rooms I feel scared in.  I will have to fight to stay there when I feel scared, instead of finding a reason to leave the room and walk in the hallway, check on my kids in their classrooms, or pretend I need to use the restroom.  

So...I missed my opportunity for the Sacrament:  The Bread and Water which are the emblems of Jesus Christ's sacrifice for sin and death.  This is the most important part of church.  I feel bad about missing it.  Regardless of my fears, I still believe I should be there for the Sacrament portion of the meeting. 

I will Not be late to church next week, no matter how much I feel like Not being there.  And I will be early.  (I hope.)

Today I decided if the blonde woman with glasses can crochet or knit during church, so can I.  My boys and I sat in the foyer during the 1st hour and I pulled out a yarn project I had begun making (a cell phone cover/case) a few weeks back.  I worked on 2 inches of the length and ripped it out twice until I had the right size and shape.  I worked on this during the meetings because I knew if I stayed busy, I would feel less inclined to leave if I heard something that 'scared' me.  

I also made sure I sat by the window in the sunlight.  I don't like darkness.  I like the sun--I love light.  The long winter accompanied by several rounds of flu and other viral infections in me and especially my little boy made me feel like life was full of darkness.  Every time we went outside, even when properly dressed in warm clothes, my son would get sicker.  I finally decided we wouldn't go anywhere unless we really had to.  It was awful.  Maybe the absence of Vitamin D in my diet really hurt me by making me feel hopeless and dark.  

When the snow finally melted and it was obviously Springtime, I didn't feel very anxious or afraid anymore.  My son hasn't had a fever since February, and even though he's pale and thin, he has loads of energy and a good appetite.  He grew much taller in the last 6 months, so maybe that's where all the protein and calcium are going instead of putting meat on his bones.  It's my mission to help him gain more weight and fill out this summer.  I'll talk about the changes I'm making in his diet later.    


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